I stopped going out. It used to be one of my favorite things to do. But now I had no strength or will to get up, get ready and go out. I used to enjoy talking to people. Now I avoid talking to anyone because it meant I had to pretend to be fine and happy. It felt like a huge effort which my body and mind would be unable to make. I had no desire, no will to do anything. I was feeling numb, absolutely numb!
It took me awhile to realize I was going through depression. I didn’t let anyone know even after I recognized it.
One, I didn’t want my family to suffer because of my suffering. Two, I didn’t know if there was any other person who would understand it. I decided to fight it. I had to, for my family because they deserved nothing but the best.
Then something devastating happened in my life which left me shattered. It was during that time I heard words like “weak”, “negative”, “too sensitive”. These are exactly the words you don’t want to hear when you are suffering. People don’t cry because they are weak, they cry because they have been strong for too long. I even thought about taking drastic measures as I wasn’t able to handle all this. But I chose to survive. I started reaching out to anyone who showed they cared even a little bit. People didn’t always respect what I shared. Some misused it later against me. And that’s the last thing I wanted to face when I was trying to heal. Now when I look back and analyze why I told them those things, it is because I was seeking help, I wanted someone to listen to me. I was doing it wrong. I needed a professional to guide me. And as sad as it sounds, there is a social stigma against mental health. People start isolating you (then we wonder why people don’t talk about it openly, why they take extreme steps). Your own friends/ people close to you don’t have time and patience for your sufferings. There are very high chances of them saying all the wrong things to you (deliberately or unknowingly):
1) “Look at others; you are better off than them” (I never claimed to have participated in a suffering competition)
2) “These days people think they have depression because it’s a fancy thing to have” (I don’t know anyone who fakes depression)
3) “You have your battle, I have mine” (who exactly asked you to fight my battle?)
I am seeking professional help and I scored very high on 2 traits – empathy and sensitivity. I am determined to use my traits to help myself and then others. But first I have to heal and I will. I am a survivor!
There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to learn to manage your traits better. Most people in this world need that but few are able to acknowledge this fact. Help yourself so that you can be there for people who matter, for whom you matter! If anyone can, try to save a life, try and save a soul!
Image source: Kat Smith – Pexels