A Spiritual Decathlon Through Self Awareness

by Kristina

Ten years is a long time to let someone have power over your heart, mind, body and soul.

It is an adequate amount of time to rummage through memories of what is and even mourn the losses of what could have been.

It is a long time to carry the weight of loss, shame, guilt, and self hate.

It is a long time to always frame every man you meet next to him, the pimp, the trafficker.

He told me I was nothing.

Feeling like chattel, as he prodded and peered into my self.

Stealing my sense of security and esteem.

Allowing myself to accept my descent into the enveloping tomb like feeling of no return.

For ten years, I let him him tell me I was nothing every time I gave up on my goals, my dreams, the things that made me feel alive.

Each year, giving him a little more of me.

Feeding his ego, his reputation, his power…

While I slowly became a reduction of my former self.

For ten years, I allowed someone who no longer had access to my mind or my body, completely ravage my soul.

His nonchalant and matter of fact demeanor, I will never forget.

His ability to cruise right through every ocean of me that was forbidden and sacred.

Sending wave after wave of destruction through my life, for ten years.

And for ten years, I let him.

He is locked up, still.

However, I gave him all the access he needed to ruin me.

I gave up.

I let him invite me to places and spaces where I would be his muse; embodying the nothing he aspired me to be.

Placing arbitrary values on myself, for ten years.

Ten years, I sit today.

In awe and look back at what I have given up, and what I have.

How one can adapt and survive.

The beauty that is resilience.

The love that is forgiveness, of others, and very importantly, of the self.

A lot of pain can pile up in ten years if you don’t/can’t/won’t take the time to sort it.

If you numb out, give up, scapegoat, and self blame.

Ten years can be a revolution of the self.

Ten years is the advent of my own conscious awareness to reclaim my self,

Declaring, go forth and be great.


One thought on “A Spiritual Decathlon Through Self Awareness

  1. Aww it’s a wonderful , simple yet so deep explanation of sufferring and healing . The trauma of such deep wound goes inside self long after the real physical damage is done. This explains to the fullest of self soul recovery! It is as important as getting away from actual physical pain. Takes longer and more suffering to find one’s self again. Thank you for this Beautiful poem xoxo
    Your friend Nejan /Helen


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